Just for you. :)

So Christmas happened.
It was actually pretty awesome. I got a really nice package full of happy things from my mom and dad and my roommates and I got each other some pretty sweet little gifts. It was great to have a traditional Christmas morning since I was missing home so much. I also got a little something from my brother and sister in law and it was really sweet.

I also had a customer come into Hollywood and give me cookies and a book. It was so nice and so like Portland.

I like Portland more and more everyday. I get to start improv class next month and STELLA is coming to Portland which is awesome.

My roommates are two of the best people in the world. I think we are all settling in and living together really well. I'm also about one paycheck away from getting back up on my feet and able to take care of myself without the help of my roommates. It will feel good to be a real life adult finally.

I miss my family and friends so much, but I'm hoping that some will come out and visit me in the next couple months. It will be delightful.

Cry Baby

Researching on the internets is hard to do sometimes.

I'm still finding it really hard to get going everyday. I dread having to get dressed and go out into public. Once I'm wherever I'm going, I'm totally fine. I just like being home in my sweatpants and not caring about anything. I like it a lot.

I also hate riding the bus. I hate it.

But I do love Paul Simon and Janis Joplin and The Beatles. At least they remind why life is good. :P

I hate that I can't be with friends who are going through rough and confusing stuff because I'm in oregon.

We have a christmas tree and it's really cute and we have decorated the whole house and it looks really nice, but it's not home. and i miss home a lot.

but i do really enjoy my roommates and the people i have met here so far. it's fun to be at the theatre and it's not bad at work, i just miss the people i used to spend everyday with. i miss having my best friends 2 minutes away from me.

but that's life. and i know it's getting better. i just miss what i had to leave behind.

So

I almost always dread going to work.
Not that I dislike my co-workers,
Or most of my customers.
Or the actual work.

Just the fact that I have to take a shower, get dressed, go outside, then work, it's just...i'd rather stay in bed all day.
Or just watch Big Love.

It's hard accomplishing anything when it's so dark and gross outside.


I still desperately need a good long hug.

Glen Baxter is my new favorite artist.

Need I explain any further?

Really?!

Andy Samberg and I are totally fighting right now.
Ok, so I laughed at the digital short, but was horrified all at the same time.

I need a dresser.

And a hug.

The end.

Now that Thanksgiving has happened....

Time to bust out the Christmas albums and decorations!

Although I'm dreading a Christmas away from family and without a baby to hold.

My mommy instincts are on high right now.

I'm also terribly lonely. It seems that everyone in Portland is super attached already. Aren't there any single guys left in this world?
-------ew. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. I will NOT become like those women on Sex and the City. WILL NOT.

I need some serious cuddle time.

This is Noelle Terry Long! Isn't she precious?

And Now Presenting!

My new niece, Noelle Terry Long was born this morning around 10 ET! She's a healthy 8 pounds and everything went very smoothly.

I'm so happy and grateful. I just wish I was home now.

:)

ew

too much beer.

Look What You Did

Here's the rules:
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most-Dashboard Confessional

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"February Song" - Josh Groban

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Too Much Food"- Jason Mraz

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"A Movie Script Ending" - Death Cab for Cutie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Dear Prudence"-The Beatles

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"You Could Drive a Person Crazy" -Company

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"The Bruised Reed" - Anathallo

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Where's the Love?"-Hanson...HAHA

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine" -The White Stripes

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Why You Wanna Break My Heart" - Tia Carrere....hahahaha

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Yellow Submarine"-The Beatles

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"And Then There Were None" - Spring Awakening....INACCURATE..hahaha

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Don't" - Jewel...so true

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Amazing Grace" - Sufjan Stevens.....hahahahaha...wow...i must like Jesus

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Summer's Coming"-Sean Watkins

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Diane"-Guster...nope..hahaha

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"It's Coming Down"-Cake

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Move to the Other Side of the Block"-Rocket Summer

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"-Adam Brock

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"On a Plain"-Nirvana

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Wannabe" - The Spice Girls...HAHAHA

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"One By One All Day"-The Shins

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Madman"-Silverchair

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Star Witness"-Neko Case

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"My Girl"-Mamas and the Papas

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Hot 'N Cold- Katy Perry

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
When Paula Sparks-Copeland

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Redford (for Yia-Yia and Pappou)-Sufjan Stevens

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me"-The Pipettes

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"The Bitch of Living"-Spring Awakening....SO TRUE

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Look What You Did-Jet

I was bored.

Um....

I have not been hugged since my first day here.

I have not been hugged for almost 21 days.

I miss my mom.

SHUT UP GRACE!

I've watched quite a bit of Will and Grace lately. I watched the episode when Will and Grace really go at it for the first time. It's in season five. Sigh. I cried. Again. Only this time I was sober.

I've been having a rough week with missing people and my family. It's really starting to hit me that I won't be home anytime soon and it's a little ridiculous to think that anyone would be able to come and visit me. But I really wish some would. I wish I had money to share with everyone to get them out here. Hell, I wish I had the money to pay rent. Sigh.

I'm just sad.
And for the first time I'm second guessing my choice of moving out here.

Things.

I'm about to go to work.
But first,

please pray for Timmy Metzner and his family.

also, a goofy movie rules all other things on the planet.

off to work. ew.

Sigh.

Life can be really boring sometimes.

"you're....running a red...light..."

today has been one of those ridiculous days where so many weird things happen.

this morning started with the best intentions of going to church. this church takes place at an elementary school cafeteria about 10 minutes from home. we get there and can't find the cafeteria while liz was trying not to have a bathroom emergency in her pants. we then realize it's around the corner but are already 10 minutes late and liz was ready to get home. so those plans were thwarted.

we spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon hanging out at home. car did homework, liz sat on the kitchen floor getting her new printer hooked up while i video chatted with the bestie. (by the by, i check your blog like a gillion times a day too :P). i then took a nap with the dog we dog sat all weekend and woke up to watch stupid youtube videos and waste more time.

at about 2:15, car went to check on her clothes in the washing machine and found the room flooded. this room is attached to the apartment on the other side of the house where a woman has been living for quite some time. this room is supposed to be shared between us, but this woman has had her stuff all piled up to the stairs to our door. so this room is flooded, boxes of her crap are getting wet, stacks of boxes are starting to lean over, so we call the landlord.

2.5 hours later......the landlord shows up, finds out it was the cover of the drain, told us that we need to poke through it with a screw driver every now and then and then leaves. really? the only good outcome of this? lady next door finally moved all her CRAP.

so then we leave because i needed shoes and a shirt for work. we go to payless down the road and while we were there, the poor sweet girl who was working there had her debit card and cash stolen from the back office. we were pretty sure we knew who did it, so we followed their car and wrote down the license number. then we head to old navy.

this is one of the most bizarre things that has ever happened to me. we stop at a stoplight. completely stopped. 100%. the car is not moving anymore. then carolyn inches the car forward some. and then a little more and pretty soon we are basically out in the middle of the intersection. it's then that i was sure that carolyn was going to stop the car. but she didn't. she just kept moving forward. like she was driving in slow motion or something. so i say "you're running a red light" and she says "OH SHIT!" and speeds up through the rest of the intersection. it was so bizarre. it's one of those things that just happened. it was so weird.

so then we are on our way to old navy and carolyn decides to tell us she doesn't know where it is, so we go to goodwill instead. which was awesome. then we came home, ate, did little things around the house and then amber and dan came to steal luna away from us again. but they did bring us delicious popcorn. cheese and caramel. mixed together. surprisingly wonderful.

so that was the day that we girls had today.
ridiculous.
i loved every second of it.

car ran a red light.
really?

video chatting...

rules.

Um....

A 10-3 orientation for Hollywood Video for people who have never worked in a movie store is the glorious day I had.

Then, I was guilt tripped into going into work tonight from 6-midnight. There's another night at the theatre I'll be missing.

Oh the joys of working retail.

What time is it? It's Diaper Time

So I'm going to spend the day at the theatre with Kathryn today. I hope I fit in alright and I'm able to help out a lot. I really want this to work out. I miss having a theatre community of friends.

We had a family meeting last night and all I can say is that I live with two amazing women. It's going to be an amazing couple of years.

I have to ride the bus by myself this morning. Pray I'm able to not get lost.

I'm a little hopeful that Obama will live up to the expectations placed on him, but then again, the expectations are so high that he's pretty much doomed to fail. Even if he does do everything right. But he's already lowered the "no taxing on those making 250,000 or more a year" to 150,000. That's two blatant lies he's told already. I don't know why people have faith in him. He's not going to change anything. Whatever. Politics are dumb.

Ok, coffee and cereal time. MMMMM, yes please.

sigh.

here's hoping he's not as much of a crook and scumbag as his secret past has made him out to be.
here's hoping he won't steal my money and give it crack whores.

here's hoping that his promises aren't empty and things will change.

but i sincerely doubt it.


he's just another politician.
he's not the messiah.

i hope this isn't the end of america.

i'm really bummed out.

Oregon

So I just spent my first night in Oregon.
It was pretty awesome, and is pretty awesome.
I still haven't had a chance to see the city really at all because I was so tired and it was pretty late when I got here.

I just can't believe how I've become an adult over night.
Instead of planning what songs to play on Rock Band tomorrow, I'm talking about how I'm going to pay the rent and what colors to paint the bedroom.
Life is crazy.
I'm on the other side of the country.
And it's not as scary as I thought it would be.

I miss my family.

Leaving.

Tomorrow I leave for Portland.
Prayers are needed. I thank you ahead of time for sending one up for me.
I hate that I have to say goodbye to the fam, but this is right. And I have to keep faith.

I'm so scared. :/

Disgusting

The amount of money in politics is disgusting.

..This Is Paranormal State.

Paranormal State has done more to re-instate my faith then Messiah ever did through any chapel. That show represents so much compassion and love and I just can't express how much I admire the PRS group and what they do. I don't care if what they find is not real, I believe that every intention on that show is to reach out to people and let them know they are not alone and they help them.

This time next week I will be in Portland, and the election will be almost over. Both things extremely exciting prospects. I'm starting to pack and I cry almost every day. I also don't sleep. But I hope this is right. I feel confident sometimes and then other times I re-think it over and over again.

Blah.

I just want to get there.



This movie is going to blow my mind into little pieces of brain matter.

"It's a leap of faith, Jack"

Yup, you guessed it, I'm still watching Lost.

Today has been one of the better days I've had in a long time. I feel so confident about my life choices and Portland and it's just been so nice to hear.

I've also gotten some crazy news from my New Hampshire buds about things going on in their lives. I'm just overwhelmed with how quickly time goes by. When I first met Tracy, she said all she wanted was to live alone with tons of cats, and now? Well now she's engaged to the love of her life, her best friend, the one we all knew she was going to get married to. So next August it looks like I'm going to watch my two best friends in my life get married to each other. Just the thought of it makes me tear up, good Lord help me on the day of the wedding. There are various other things going on that I won't mention in a public blog, but it's just so crazy. We seemed to have grown up so fast and I feel like I wish i could go back to the days when I was absolutely ridiculously immature working in the kitchen, saying and doing stupid things, and learning so much about who I am. As awful as the work at camp was, I would never ever ever take any of that back. These people have ended up being the people who have stuck by me through everything. (excluding college buddies, i'm talking people who have known me since high school). There is only one person (basically) that I'm in relatively close contact with, and it's not surprising who it is.

I've really been enjoying my rest and relaxation time, but I'm ready to be so busy that I can't even think straight. I miss having class all day, about an hour of time to myself, then spending all night doing theatre. I miss being a part of something interactive and unpredictable and live. I miss the connections that you make with people in a situation like that. And most of all, I miss the whole crowd of people who made college awesome for me. But I know I have to move on. I know it's time for me to grow up. I'm just sad to leave that part of my life behind. It's just such an awesome part of my life.

I wish I had more insightful things to say. Maybe I will once I get out to Portland and start experiencing new things. Like naked bicycle riding. :)

Remember when there was never anything serious to worry about? Like when we were about 10 years old and the worst thing that could happen is the other kids at school being mean to us. Well, I've lived a very blessed life that that was the worst thing that could happen to me and I am thankful, but I still miss that. Apparently I'm ridiculously nostalgic today. I blame Lost.

One week. One week. One week and my life is going to completely change.
I'm ready.

we are living in a material world....

i hate madonna.

i also hate this "spread the wealth around" socialistic idea. the day i see obama spread HIS wealth around instead of spending it on hotel room service for lobster tails and IRANIAN CAVIER ( the most expensive kind) then maybe i'll take him seriously. MAYBE.
but doesn't he have that brother over in Africa who lives in a shack and is ridiculously poor? that brother that he mentions in one sentence of his book? that brother that he certainly hasn't spread his wealth to? if you believe in something, PROVE IT.

i'm 9 days from Portland. crazy.

i want to go on a legitimate ghost hunt sometime really soon.

i need to do these things before i leave:
-pack
-organize my boxes that are staying here at home.
-get a second piece of luggage
-try really hard to see josh and tracy one more time so i can hug them because they're engaged now. :)
-make as much money as possible.
-work things out with hollywood video.

gah.

i am not looking forward to saying goodbye.
especially to my little brother. he's pretty much the coolest.

my other brother called today and we talked for a little while. i miss him a lot. i don't like that he's in baghdad. blah.

i think those are all the random thoughts in my head for now. i should probably try to sleep. or maybe i'll watch some more where in the world is carmen sandiego. it's TOTALLY on youtube. loves it.

"If you do it, you can never take it back."

TODAY IS THE TWO WEEK MARK.

I"m so excited. I'm also super excited because i already kinda have a job set up. as bad as i feel for quitting at my current job, they are going to transfer me out to hollywood video which is very very good.

i am not sleeping again. and i've had to drive my mom to work at 5 in the morning. blah. so i've been getting like an hour to an hour and a half. maybe that will make it easier to sleep on my flight. ahhhhhhhhhh. i'm so scared.

lost is still controlling my life.

i watched The Strangers last night with my little brother and it was terrifying. i know a lot of people thought it was dumb, but it just grosses me out that there are sick people like that in the world. it was just so eerie and gross.

2 freaking weeks. wow.

"You make your own luck, Hurley"

I'm continuing to re-watch Lost. And I cried like a baby (again) when Sun and Jin get in their big fight and he tells her it's too late. They are incredible characters.

I'm also only about 2 weeks from leaving for Portland. It's insane. I keep thinking about how the flight is going to go and whether or not it's going to go smoothly and what life will be like once I get there. It's crazy.

I'm so tired of the election. I'm ready for November 4th and for it all to be over. And I hope that McCain wins. I hope so much. Obama is breaking the Constitution running for president. HE WASN'T BORN HERE PEOPLE. A vote for him is a vote to change the Constitution. I'm not down with that. I think the fore fathers knew what they were doing when they wrote it. Obama is a dangerous man. And I don't like McCain that much, he's just the better choice in this equation. Don't believe the media, don't believe the celebrities (they're mostly uneducated and lemmings as it is.) Stay informed. Think for yourself. Obama will raise taxes. I have not doubt about that. He has all these great ideas with no way or plan to fund them. So you know how they're going to get funded? TAXES. Idealism is the basis of his campaign. Unfortunately, we have live in the real world and realize that as much as we'd like it, we will never live in a pacifist world. And as much as we'd like to change it, we can't. We can't just live in Idealism. We need to realistic sometimes. "Spreading the wealth" doesn't work. Socialism doesn't work. IT'S IDEALISTIC.

Ok, I'm done with that.

If I were on Lost, I'd be Hurley. No joke.
Who would you be?

My brother

was just stationed in Baghdad.
I'm really scared for him.

There's just something about Lost.

Lost can always make me feel good. It can always make me cry. It always holds my interest. It makes me miss certain people.

I didn't sleep at all last night.
I watched Lost instead.
Life is crazy.


I'm still on my boycott of music after 1969, so I'll just post another reason why:

">

everyone should watch all of the rolling stones rock n' roll circus. it's incredible.

music

i'm serious. so serious. i'm totally boycotting music produced after 1969 from here on out. for these reasons:

">

the passion, the soul, there is nothing like that. i have not seen someone really feel to the core of who they are what they are singing. this makes me cry every time i see it. this is a HUGE festival with tons and tons of people and everyone is silent and in complete AWE of the talent on stage. this is the first major exposure that janis joplin got. and you know what she does? she sings the song. she feels it and she lets it out. she's not ridiculously attractive, she doesn't have choreographed dance moves, she is singing the song LIVE with no playback in her ear, she is there, live, not just performing the song, but FEELING all of it.


also:

">

if there is anyone i wish i looked like and dressed like it would be grace slick from jefferson airplane. she is an incredible vocalist and just so hip and cool. but still, it's about the music. and yeah, ok, so it's a lot about the drugs, too, but it doesn't matter to me. i appreciate it for the pure talent. it's frustrating to see acts now that get popular because there is not talent.



and yes, i am willing to admit even the bands that i listen to have nothing compared to the music from 1969 and earlier. nothing. i don't care who they are. even sufjan. he's too pretentious and i don't think he does it for the love of music.

now more than ever i want a time machine. i want to go the monterey pop festival. and i want to see the beatles live. without all the screaming girls. which would still be impossible even with a time machine, but still. let a girl dream.

i'm so glad my parents brought me up right listening to this music.

the happening

don't watch it.

pure brilliance

i'm in love with these musical GENIUSES.

i can't even begin to understand how this is possible.

i'm in love.





all current music pretty much sucks.
and that's all i have to say.

wow.

i have so many mixed emotions in me all the time that i feel like i'll explode.
instead, i just stay up all night.
i've had about an hour and a half and as much as i plan on going back to bed, i know it won't be quality sleep.
i dread going to bed every night because of how hard it is to actually fall asleep. and lately i've had dreams about cookies and cake and pie. really with that? i must be stressed.

well, i'm stressed and scared and excited and anxious and tired and about a million more things.
basically, i'm cho chen in harry potter and the order of the phoenix when hermione has to explain to ron and harry all the emotions she's feeling and then ron says that no one person could feel all that at once.

yup, i just made a life comparison to harry potter.
gotta love it.

faith

i need to have more faith that i what i am doing is the right thing.

drew and car are my saviors today.

portland, here i come.


ONE MONTH.

dream

so last night i had a dream that i was in a movie with heath ledger, but it was made before he died, and somehow i knew in the movie that he was dead and i kept touching his face and talking about how weird it was that he was still warm and alive and breathing, it was like a desperation that i knew i wouldn't be able to connect like that with him again.

it's weird because it seems like the sort of dream one would have about someone they actually knew.

it was a little disturbing.

rock band 2...

...owns my life.

it makes me miss saturday nights with the rock band/SNL crew.

i can't believe the adventure begins in 33 days.

i hope i don't crash and burn.

i haven't gotten 8 hours of sleep for quite sometime.
it probably doesn't help that my ticket is hanging on my wall for me to look at.

i'm going to miss my little brother quite a bit.

sigh.

egads!

my trip is only 35 days away. i have been feeling more terrified than anything else lately. i have to admire car so much for heading out to portland with less than what i'm there with. it's nice to know that i have a pretty large foundation out there and a place to work. i just wish the whole place to live scenario would work out, but i'm sure something will find us. i hope it's this cute little house in sellwood. that would be nice. :)

i've also been wondering a lot why we care so much about celebrities' opinions on politics. they're on the same level as we are when it comes to this stuff. they know about the same (or less) information than we do, why do we care so much? why can't an awards show be an awards show? why do political opinions have to be expressed and why to we care? it's one of those great mysteries. i just hope people will be smart and not follow hollywood blindly because hollywood is severely flawed. it's just dumb. and it's hard for me to trust a candidate who the media and hollywood so freely take it up the butt from. BE INFORMED. don't vote one way simply because the newspapers and sharon stone tell you to. that is all i have to say on that.

yes, i broke my political silence, but i figure it's time to stop being sorry for what i believe in. so everyone can suck it. :P

i miss my brother.

the end.

november first ladies and gentlemen....

so i've had a lot of time to do nothing the last couple months and it's been grand, but it also makes you think wayyyy too much all the time.

i bought my plane ticket. it leaves at 8:10 from manchester, new hampshire and arrives in portland, oregon after one short changeover in baltimore at 3:55 pm. and then it's all up in the air. i just need a lot of prayer and happy thoughts that things are going to end up ok. i'm terrified right now, but i just feel like this is right.

i had to say goodbye (once again) to the loves of my life today which was easier than it should have been. this seems to be a yearly ritual where we all are together for a few wondrous days then must be violently seperated for another year. we were able to create some new classic moments, though, which is wonderful. i don't understand how i am so blessed with these people who love me completely and unconditionally. i don't deserve them. they are the greatest people i know.

enough with the mushy gushy blah blah blah. :P

tina fey won 3 awards tonight and i wanted to cry (but didn't) and her speeches were so great and she's wonderful and i want to be just like her. i hope that if i ever meet her she's not lame. as much as i want to be her. or her personal assistant, i think that it's better if i never meet her so that she will always just be some sort of higher being that i achieve to be more like everyday. (i'm exaggerating my idolization people. i love her, but not more than jesus. i promise.)

so i guess it's getting a little late and i should go to bed, but i'll probably spend at least another half hour trying to see if britney's new video posted.

it's the pop culture addiction.

pop culture

so tonight i sat through the incredibly boring VMA's. i hate that stuff. i hate the girls who don't wear anything and are considered to be fashion saavy. i hate the rappers where you can't even understand what they are saying and if you did understand it would probably make you want to puke with the level of sexism that would be attached to it. i hate that it's pretty much a meaningless event, with a host that was not american and yet the whole opening monologue had to be about politics. i LOVE russell brand. love love love him, but he has much better material. much much much better. i'm just addicted to pop culture. if i had not watched it, i would have searched for information online to see if i missed anything big. it's ridiculous. sometimes i justify it by saying that for the line of work (specifically comedy) that i would like to do, it's important to be current with pop culture. but the thing is, half the time i'll make some sort of reference and no one will know what i'm talking about because it's so obscure. but i still have to know it. it's tiring. my life is really hard. (i'm being sarcastic.) there was nothing about that show that was remotely entertaining except for maybe christina aguilera who brought it. kanye west was so boring. rhianna was boring. and i hate that music so much. pink had a cute dress on until she ripped it off and became essentially naked. and her song was realllllllly stupid. and russell brand was wayyyyyyyy too nice! all he did was make fun of the jonas brothers purity rings, other than that it was all about how great everything was or some stab at a political figure. whatever.

i think i need to work on this problem. i need to be able to not suffer through things that are so inane just so that i can keep up with conversation and be the first to know that amy winehouse has overdosed. which she hasn't. yet. i just can't seem to help it. sigh.

in other news, 54 days until i move to portland oregon. crazy.

oh dear lord

i'm buying a plane ticket in the next two weeks.

holy shit.

sleep deprived

so last night was the first night in a couple months that i went to bed before about 4 am. here's the problem, i woke up at about 3 this morning and now i'm still up and can't get back to sleep. so although i went to bed at about 11, i'm still getting just as much sleep, only getting up in the morning. i know i'll crash again by 9, but it' still frustrating to not just sleep it all at night and then not be utterly exhausted the next day. it's annoying to be tired all the time. i hope i have much more of a schedule when i get out to portland so that i'm not just a half zombie all the time.

politics have been in the forefront of my mind lately considering the election and all. i'm not going to share who i support because i believe politics to be an extremely personal affair, but i will say that elections tear this country in half and it's really sad. it should be about us all coming together, but instead it turns people violent, makes people scared to voice their opinions, and just brings out the absolute worst in almost everyone. that's why i'm choosing to keep my vote to myself. i will no longer discuss politics here (i hope) and i will most likely not discuss them with my friends or family. i urge everyone to stay informed from more than one source considering the bias that can exist in certain news sources and to be kind to each other, no matter what. i know, too idealistic. not to mention no one reads this, but i just thought i'd say that.

time to make some coffee and find some awesome infomercials.
yesssss.

i hate chocolate phones.

i've had to get my phone replaced 5 times now.
FIVE.
they refuse to give me a new one and my phone is not keeping a charge on it. i got it TODAY.
and that's after driving all around the area, spending all day away from the house, being told that i should be able to get it replaced with a phone of equal value, then told that nope. i actually can't so i'm stuck with another chocolate phone that makes me wanna die and it won't charge.
awesome.

oh, yeah, the guy did work with me, he said i could sign another two year contract and buy at full price a different phone.......
YEAH RIGHT.

chocolate phones make me want to hurt people badly.

november 8th. november 8th november 8th. (that's when i qualify for a new free phone.)

gah.

That's What She Said

I'm sort of overdosing on the office right now. my family needed to catch up so i grabbed the fourth season from movie gallery. i'm currently on my 5th episode of the day and i don't go into work until 7. so we'll probably end up finishing it before i go. sigh. i love the show a lot, but after this, i'm not sure if i'll be able to handle it until the season premiere. a small part of me is hoping that jim and pam will break up this season. but it's only the part of me that hates them for being mean and exclusive and thinking they are way better than anyone else in the whole world.

i also spent a good majority of last night watching youtube videos of russell brand. and as disgusting as he can be, i find him hilarious. because as much as he talks about sex, he always mocks the kinds of guys that i hate, so i forgive all the gross stuff. :P as much of a mess as he looks like, i was watching a bit of stand up where not only does he allude to shakespeare, but also dante. only the british i tell you. i'm pretty excited to watch him host the VMA's even though i'm pretty sure it's going to be LAME.

also, SNL premieres in two weeks. which is super exciting. even though it's michael phelps hosting, i'm still pretty psyched to see new lonely island stuff and election stuff. even though i'm already sick of the election. i'm sick of how it really just tears everyone apart and makes people really mean and hateful. i'm pretty positive on who i'm going to vote for, but i think this is the end of my political talk in a public forum. so there's that.

recently i've been missing acting a whole lot. i wish that i was moving back into school and gearing up for auditions for kris yoder. it's hard not being there and not being finished. i really just want to get out to oregon so that i can feel as though my life is getting back on some sort of track where i don't just get people to rent movies for 8 hours a day. i love free movie rentals, but especially now that i work at movie gallery, it's been hard for me to rent adult movies and national lampoon movies that are nothing but women as objects. also, i feel morally opposed to renting movies that are ridiculously horrible like superhero movie. let's be real though, i'm going to get to portland and get a job in a movie store. i'll put at least a good 10 bucks on that.

a part of me wishes i had stuck to elementary education. but shh...don't tell.

the things that i do now that i am in new hamphsa

so i'm working at movie gallery now, what a step up from blockbuster, huh? the management seems to actually do their job which is a breath of fresh air. i enjoyed the responsibilities i had at blockbuster, but i was sick of the company.

i'm freaking a little about portland. i'm hoping everything works out, i just can't seem to figure everything out and i don't want to become a burden on carolyn and liz. although they are being awesome and supportive and open to me coming, i don't know, i just feel like i'm causing trouble.

i've watched more tv in the last 4 months then i ever thought possible. i even watched the whole first season of gossip girl in like a week and a half. and it's a TERRIBLE show. and i'm hooked on intervention again and i basically go between comedy central and a & e. and i've re-watched basically all the reno! 911 episodes which are BRILLIANT. i want to be a part of something like that. so baaaaaaad. i have enough talented/funny/ridiculous/offensive friends, why can't we all just get together and make a show that will blow everyone's minds all over the place? huh? why?

i'm also becoming more and more obsessed with paranormal stuff. it's always been something i've been fascinated by, but lately i just want to read/watch anything that i can. i LOVE paranormal state and i'm trying to watch all the horror movie classics that are more about messing with your mind than they are about grossing you out.

i'm trying to set goals for myself. like writing more often and budgeting and other things like that. i hope i can get to portland. pray for that please. i need to get to portland.

the beginning.

this needs to be a beginning for me.
i need to start focusing more on my well being and taking better care of myself.
even if it just means putting some make up on in the morning so i'm not disgusted when i look in the mirror everyday.
even if it mean i curl my hair every now and then.
even if it means i have to force myself to eat better and go outside every now and then.

i've been in this rut too long and i need to start over.
so here it goes.
i hope it works this time.

Back to New Hampshire

So I am currently back in New Hampshire with the family trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wish things would just figure themselves out and I would never have to be proactive. But alas, thinns do not work like that. It is good to be home and to see my brother who I always miss lots when he's not around. It's awesome to finally be at an age where we may not disagree, but we still respect each other and are genuinely interested in each other's lives. It also gives a lot of hindsight to high school when I thought he was my worst enemy, and actually, he looked out for me and was pretty much always there for me. I hate that he has to go back to Iraq.

Saturday is going to be a big day. My whole family (well at least immediate) is going to be together for the first time in like FOREVER. And it's just going to be so great to spend time with all of them including Ally and Marissa!!! SO EXCITING.

And as October comes closer, I hope to have everything worked out. I still freak out about money, but I just have to have faith that it will come, and if it doesn't, then I'm not supposed to move out to Oregon.

But I really hope it works out.

how i spend most of my afternoons.

She sits watching the X Files all afternoon, mesmerized by the adventures of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Sometimes it's a little too graphic and she cringes, but it's the only sign of life from this otherwise zombie-like shell. She can't help but feel attracted to Mulder and his willingness to believe so much that others find unbelievable. She wishes she could have the same sort of blind faith that he has. The courage to fight hard and continue searching for some kind of truth wherever she goes. But instead she stays glued to her seat, wondering how much more of the sexual tension between Mulder and Scully she can stand.

some things are so fucked up that i can't handle it.

so instead, i drink a gallon of beer.