Leaving.

Tomorrow I leave for Portland.
Prayers are needed. I thank you ahead of time for sending one up for me.
I hate that I have to say goodbye to the fam, but this is right. And I have to keep faith.

I'm so scared. :/

Disgusting

The amount of money in politics is disgusting.

..This Is Paranormal State.

Paranormal State has done more to re-instate my faith then Messiah ever did through any chapel. That show represents so much compassion and love and I just can't express how much I admire the PRS group and what they do. I don't care if what they find is not real, I believe that every intention on that show is to reach out to people and let them know they are not alone and they help them.

This time next week I will be in Portland, and the election will be almost over. Both things extremely exciting prospects. I'm starting to pack and I cry almost every day. I also don't sleep. But I hope this is right. I feel confident sometimes and then other times I re-think it over and over again.

Blah.

I just want to get there.



This movie is going to blow my mind into little pieces of brain matter.

"It's a leap of faith, Jack"

Yup, you guessed it, I'm still watching Lost.

Today has been one of the better days I've had in a long time. I feel so confident about my life choices and Portland and it's just been so nice to hear.

I've also gotten some crazy news from my New Hampshire buds about things going on in their lives. I'm just overwhelmed with how quickly time goes by. When I first met Tracy, she said all she wanted was to live alone with tons of cats, and now? Well now she's engaged to the love of her life, her best friend, the one we all knew she was going to get married to. So next August it looks like I'm going to watch my two best friends in my life get married to each other. Just the thought of it makes me tear up, good Lord help me on the day of the wedding. There are various other things going on that I won't mention in a public blog, but it's just so crazy. We seemed to have grown up so fast and I feel like I wish i could go back to the days when I was absolutely ridiculously immature working in the kitchen, saying and doing stupid things, and learning so much about who I am. As awful as the work at camp was, I would never ever ever take any of that back. These people have ended up being the people who have stuck by me through everything. (excluding college buddies, i'm talking people who have known me since high school). There is only one person (basically) that I'm in relatively close contact with, and it's not surprising who it is.

I've really been enjoying my rest and relaxation time, but I'm ready to be so busy that I can't even think straight. I miss having class all day, about an hour of time to myself, then spending all night doing theatre. I miss being a part of something interactive and unpredictable and live. I miss the connections that you make with people in a situation like that. And most of all, I miss the whole crowd of people who made college awesome for me. But I know I have to move on. I know it's time for me to grow up. I'm just sad to leave that part of my life behind. It's just such an awesome part of my life.

I wish I had more insightful things to say. Maybe I will once I get out to Portland and start experiencing new things. Like naked bicycle riding. :)

Remember when there was never anything serious to worry about? Like when we were about 10 years old and the worst thing that could happen is the other kids at school being mean to us. Well, I've lived a very blessed life that that was the worst thing that could happen to me and I am thankful, but I still miss that. Apparently I'm ridiculously nostalgic today. I blame Lost.

One week. One week. One week and my life is going to completely change.
I'm ready.

we are living in a material world....

i hate madonna.

i also hate this "spread the wealth around" socialistic idea. the day i see obama spread HIS wealth around instead of spending it on hotel room service for lobster tails and IRANIAN CAVIER ( the most expensive kind) then maybe i'll take him seriously. MAYBE.
but doesn't he have that brother over in Africa who lives in a shack and is ridiculously poor? that brother that he mentions in one sentence of his book? that brother that he certainly hasn't spread his wealth to? if you believe in something, PROVE IT.

i'm 9 days from Portland. crazy.

i want to go on a legitimate ghost hunt sometime really soon.

i need to do these things before i leave:
-pack
-organize my boxes that are staying here at home.
-get a second piece of luggage
-try really hard to see josh and tracy one more time so i can hug them because they're engaged now. :)
-make as much money as possible.
-work things out with hollywood video.

gah.

i am not looking forward to saying goodbye.
especially to my little brother. he's pretty much the coolest.

my other brother called today and we talked for a little while. i miss him a lot. i don't like that he's in baghdad. blah.

i think those are all the random thoughts in my head for now. i should probably try to sleep. or maybe i'll watch some more where in the world is carmen sandiego. it's TOTALLY on youtube. loves it.

"If you do it, you can never take it back."

TODAY IS THE TWO WEEK MARK.

I"m so excited. I'm also super excited because i already kinda have a job set up. as bad as i feel for quitting at my current job, they are going to transfer me out to hollywood video which is very very good.

i am not sleeping again. and i've had to drive my mom to work at 5 in the morning. blah. so i've been getting like an hour to an hour and a half. maybe that will make it easier to sleep on my flight. ahhhhhhhhhh. i'm so scared.

lost is still controlling my life.

i watched The Strangers last night with my little brother and it was terrifying. i know a lot of people thought it was dumb, but it just grosses me out that there are sick people like that in the world. it was just so eerie and gross.

2 freaking weeks. wow.

"You make your own luck, Hurley"

I'm continuing to re-watch Lost. And I cried like a baby (again) when Sun and Jin get in their big fight and he tells her it's too late. They are incredible characters.

I'm also only about 2 weeks from leaving for Portland. It's insane. I keep thinking about how the flight is going to go and whether or not it's going to go smoothly and what life will be like once I get there. It's crazy.

I'm so tired of the election. I'm ready for November 4th and for it all to be over. And I hope that McCain wins. I hope so much. Obama is breaking the Constitution running for president. HE WASN'T BORN HERE PEOPLE. A vote for him is a vote to change the Constitution. I'm not down with that. I think the fore fathers knew what they were doing when they wrote it. Obama is a dangerous man. And I don't like McCain that much, he's just the better choice in this equation. Don't believe the media, don't believe the celebrities (they're mostly uneducated and lemmings as it is.) Stay informed. Think for yourself. Obama will raise taxes. I have not doubt about that. He has all these great ideas with no way or plan to fund them. So you know how they're going to get funded? TAXES. Idealism is the basis of his campaign. Unfortunately, we have live in the real world and realize that as much as we'd like it, we will never live in a pacifist world. And as much as we'd like to change it, we can't. We can't just live in Idealism. We need to realistic sometimes. "Spreading the wealth" doesn't work. Socialism doesn't work. IT'S IDEALISTIC.

Ok, I'm done with that.

If I were on Lost, I'd be Hurley. No joke.
Who would you be?

My brother

was just stationed in Baghdad.
I'm really scared for him.

There's just something about Lost.

Lost can always make me feel good. It can always make me cry. It always holds my interest. It makes me miss certain people.

I didn't sleep at all last night.
I watched Lost instead.
Life is crazy.


I'm still on my boycott of music after 1969, so I'll just post another reason why:

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everyone should watch all of the rolling stones rock n' roll circus. it's incredible.

music

i'm serious. so serious. i'm totally boycotting music produced after 1969 from here on out. for these reasons:

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the passion, the soul, there is nothing like that. i have not seen someone really feel to the core of who they are what they are singing. this makes me cry every time i see it. this is a HUGE festival with tons and tons of people and everyone is silent and in complete AWE of the talent on stage. this is the first major exposure that janis joplin got. and you know what she does? she sings the song. she feels it and she lets it out. she's not ridiculously attractive, she doesn't have choreographed dance moves, she is singing the song LIVE with no playback in her ear, she is there, live, not just performing the song, but FEELING all of it.


also:

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if there is anyone i wish i looked like and dressed like it would be grace slick from jefferson airplane. she is an incredible vocalist and just so hip and cool. but still, it's about the music. and yeah, ok, so it's a lot about the drugs, too, but it doesn't matter to me. i appreciate it for the pure talent. it's frustrating to see acts now that get popular because there is not talent.



and yes, i am willing to admit even the bands that i listen to have nothing compared to the music from 1969 and earlier. nothing. i don't care who they are. even sufjan. he's too pretentious and i don't think he does it for the love of music.

now more than ever i want a time machine. i want to go the monterey pop festival. and i want to see the beatles live. without all the screaming girls. which would still be impossible even with a time machine, but still. let a girl dream.

i'm so glad my parents brought me up right listening to this music.

the happening

don't watch it.

pure brilliance

i'm in love with these musical GENIUSES.

i can't even begin to understand how this is possible.

i'm in love.





all current music pretty much sucks.
and that's all i have to say.

wow.

i have so many mixed emotions in me all the time that i feel like i'll explode.
instead, i just stay up all night.
i've had about an hour and a half and as much as i plan on going back to bed, i know it won't be quality sleep.
i dread going to bed every night because of how hard it is to actually fall asleep. and lately i've had dreams about cookies and cake and pie. really with that? i must be stressed.

well, i'm stressed and scared and excited and anxious and tired and about a million more things.
basically, i'm cho chen in harry potter and the order of the phoenix when hermione has to explain to ron and harry all the emotions she's feeling and then ron says that no one person could feel all that at once.

yup, i just made a life comparison to harry potter.
gotta love it.

faith

i need to have more faith that i what i am doing is the right thing.

drew and car are my saviors today.

portland, here i come.


ONE MONTH.