dream

so last night i had a dream that i was in a movie with heath ledger, but it was made before he died, and somehow i knew in the movie that he was dead and i kept touching his face and talking about how weird it was that he was still warm and alive and breathing, it was like a desperation that i knew i wouldn't be able to connect like that with him again.

it's weird because it seems like the sort of dream one would have about someone they actually knew.

it was a little disturbing.

rock band 2...

...owns my life.

it makes me miss saturday nights with the rock band/SNL crew.

i can't believe the adventure begins in 33 days.

i hope i don't crash and burn.

i haven't gotten 8 hours of sleep for quite sometime.
it probably doesn't help that my ticket is hanging on my wall for me to look at.

i'm going to miss my little brother quite a bit.

sigh.

egads!

my trip is only 35 days away. i have been feeling more terrified than anything else lately. i have to admire car so much for heading out to portland with less than what i'm there with. it's nice to know that i have a pretty large foundation out there and a place to work. i just wish the whole place to live scenario would work out, but i'm sure something will find us. i hope it's this cute little house in sellwood. that would be nice. :)

i've also been wondering a lot why we care so much about celebrities' opinions on politics. they're on the same level as we are when it comes to this stuff. they know about the same (or less) information than we do, why do we care so much? why can't an awards show be an awards show? why do political opinions have to be expressed and why to we care? it's one of those great mysteries. i just hope people will be smart and not follow hollywood blindly because hollywood is severely flawed. it's just dumb. and it's hard for me to trust a candidate who the media and hollywood so freely take it up the butt from. BE INFORMED. don't vote one way simply because the newspapers and sharon stone tell you to. that is all i have to say on that.

yes, i broke my political silence, but i figure it's time to stop being sorry for what i believe in. so everyone can suck it. :P

i miss my brother.

the end.

november first ladies and gentlemen....

so i've had a lot of time to do nothing the last couple months and it's been grand, but it also makes you think wayyyy too much all the time.

i bought my plane ticket. it leaves at 8:10 from manchester, new hampshire and arrives in portland, oregon after one short changeover in baltimore at 3:55 pm. and then it's all up in the air. i just need a lot of prayer and happy thoughts that things are going to end up ok. i'm terrified right now, but i just feel like this is right.

i had to say goodbye (once again) to the loves of my life today which was easier than it should have been. this seems to be a yearly ritual where we all are together for a few wondrous days then must be violently seperated for another year. we were able to create some new classic moments, though, which is wonderful. i don't understand how i am so blessed with these people who love me completely and unconditionally. i don't deserve them. they are the greatest people i know.

enough with the mushy gushy blah blah blah. :P

tina fey won 3 awards tonight and i wanted to cry (but didn't) and her speeches were so great and she's wonderful and i want to be just like her. i hope that if i ever meet her she's not lame. as much as i want to be her. or her personal assistant, i think that it's better if i never meet her so that she will always just be some sort of higher being that i achieve to be more like everyday. (i'm exaggerating my idolization people. i love her, but not more than jesus. i promise.)

so i guess it's getting a little late and i should go to bed, but i'll probably spend at least another half hour trying to see if britney's new video posted.

it's the pop culture addiction.

pop culture

so tonight i sat through the incredibly boring VMA's. i hate that stuff. i hate the girls who don't wear anything and are considered to be fashion saavy. i hate the rappers where you can't even understand what they are saying and if you did understand it would probably make you want to puke with the level of sexism that would be attached to it. i hate that it's pretty much a meaningless event, with a host that was not american and yet the whole opening monologue had to be about politics. i LOVE russell brand. love love love him, but he has much better material. much much much better. i'm just addicted to pop culture. if i had not watched it, i would have searched for information online to see if i missed anything big. it's ridiculous. sometimes i justify it by saying that for the line of work (specifically comedy) that i would like to do, it's important to be current with pop culture. but the thing is, half the time i'll make some sort of reference and no one will know what i'm talking about because it's so obscure. but i still have to know it. it's tiring. my life is really hard. (i'm being sarcastic.) there was nothing about that show that was remotely entertaining except for maybe christina aguilera who brought it. kanye west was so boring. rhianna was boring. and i hate that music so much. pink had a cute dress on until she ripped it off and became essentially naked. and her song was realllllllly stupid. and russell brand was wayyyyyyyy too nice! all he did was make fun of the jonas brothers purity rings, other than that it was all about how great everything was or some stab at a political figure. whatever.

i think i need to work on this problem. i need to be able to not suffer through things that are so inane just so that i can keep up with conversation and be the first to know that amy winehouse has overdosed. which she hasn't. yet. i just can't seem to help it. sigh.

in other news, 54 days until i move to portland oregon. crazy.

oh dear lord

i'm buying a plane ticket in the next two weeks.

holy shit.

sleep deprived

so last night was the first night in a couple months that i went to bed before about 4 am. here's the problem, i woke up at about 3 this morning and now i'm still up and can't get back to sleep. so although i went to bed at about 11, i'm still getting just as much sleep, only getting up in the morning. i know i'll crash again by 9, but it' still frustrating to not just sleep it all at night and then not be utterly exhausted the next day. it's annoying to be tired all the time. i hope i have much more of a schedule when i get out to portland so that i'm not just a half zombie all the time.

politics have been in the forefront of my mind lately considering the election and all. i'm not going to share who i support because i believe politics to be an extremely personal affair, but i will say that elections tear this country in half and it's really sad. it should be about us all coming together, but instead it turns people violent, makes people scared to voice their opinions, and just brings out the absolute worst in almost everyone. that's why i'm choosing to keep my vote to myself. i will no longer discuss politics here (i hope) and i will most likely not discuss them with my friends or family. i urge everyone to stay informed from more than one source considering the bias that can exist in certain news sources and to be kind to each other, no matter what. i know, too idealistic. not to mention no one reads this, but i just thought i'd say that.

time to make some coffee and find some awesome infomercials.
yesssss.

i hate chocolate phones.

i've had to get my phone replaced 5 times now.
FIVE.
they refuse to give me a new one and my phone is not keeping a charge on it. i got it TODAY.
and that's after driving all around the area, spending all day away from the house, being told that i should be able to get it replaced with a phone of equal value, then told that nope. i actually can't so i'm stuck with another chocolate phone that makes me wanna die and it won't charge.
awesome.

oh, yeah, the guy did work with me, he said i could sign another two year contract and buy at full price a different phone.......
YEAH RIGHT.

chocolate phones make me want to hurt people badly.

november 8th. november 8th november 8th. (that's when i qualify for a new free phone.)

gah.

That's What She Said

I'm sort of overdosing on the office right now. my family needed to catch up so i grabbed the fourth season from movie gallery. i'm currently on my 5th episode of the day and i don't go into work until 7. so we'll probably end up finishing it before i go. sigh. i love the show a lot, but after this, i'm not sure if i'll be able to handle it until the season premiere. a small part of me is hoping that jim and pam will break up this season. but it's only the part of me that hates them for being mean and exclusive and thinking they are way better than anyone else in the whole world.

i also spent a good majority of last night watching youtube videos of russell brand. and as disgusting as he can be, i find him hilarious. because as much as he talks about sex, he always mocks the kinds of guys that i hate, so i forgive all the gross stuff. :P as much of a mess as he looks like, i was watching a bit of stand up where not only does he allude to shakespeare, but also dante. only the british i tell you. i'm pretty excited to watch him host the VMA's even though i'm pretty sure it's going to be LAME.

also, SNL premieres in two weeks. which is super exciting. even though it's michael phelps hosting, i'm still pretty psyched to see new lonely island stuff and election stuff. even though i'm already sick of the election. i'm sick of how it really just tears everyone apart and makes people really mean and hateful. i'm pretty positive on who i'm going to vote for, but i think this is the end of my political talk in a public forum. so there's that.

recently i've been missing acting a whole lot. i wish that i was moving back into school and gearing up for auditions for kris yoder. it's hard not being there and not being finished. i really just want to get out to oregon so that i can feel as though my life is getting back on some sort of track where i don't just get people to rent movies for 8 hours a day. i love free movie rentals, but especially now that i work at movie gallery, it's been hard for me to rent adult movies and national lampoon movies that are nothing but women as objects. also, i feel morally opposed to renting movies that are ridiculously horrible like superhero movie. let's be real though, i'm going to get to portland and get a job in a movie store. i'll put at least a good 10 bucks on that.

a part of me wishes i had stuck to elementary education. but shh...don't tell.