the beginning.

this needs to be a beginning for me.
i need to start focusing more on my well being and taking better care of myself.
even if it just means putting some make up on in the morning so i'm not disgusted when i look in the mirror everyday.
even if it mean i curl my hair every now and then.
even if it means i have to force myself to eat better and go outside every now and then.

i've been in this rut too long and i need to start over.
so here it goes.
i hope it works this time.

Back to New Hampshire

So I am currently back in New Hampshire with the family trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wish things would just figure themselves out and I would never have to be proactive. But alas, thinns do not work like that. It is good to be home and to see my brother who I always miss lots when he's not around. It's awesome to finally be at an age where we may not disagree, but we still respect each other and are genuinely interested in each other's lives. It also gives a lot of hindsight to high school when I thought he was my worst enemy, and actually, he looked out for me and was pretty much always there for me. I hate that he has to go back to Iraq.

Saturday is going to be a big day. My whole family (well at least immediate) is going to be together for the first time in like FOREVER. And it's just going to be so great to spend time with all of them including Ally and Marissa!!! SO EXCITING.

And as October comes closer, I hope to have everything worked out. I still freak out about money, but I just have to have faith that it will come, and if it doesn't, then I'm not supposed to move out to Oregon.

But I really hope it works out.

how i spend most of my afternoons.

She sits watching the X Files all afternoon, mesmerized by the adventures of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Sometimes it's a little too graphic and she cringes, but it's the only sign of life from this otherwise zombie-like shell. She can't help but feel attracted to Mulder and his willingness to believe so much that others find unbelievable. She wishes she could have the same sort of blind faith that he has. The courage to fight hard and continue searching for some kind of truth wherever she goes. But instead she stays glued to her seat, wondering how much more of the sexual tension between Mulder and Scully she can stand.

some things are so fucked up that i can't handle it.

so instead, i drink a gallon of beer.